Nobody told you – Nobody told me that ambition would be a curse. A curse that to escape one would have to sacrifice everything because you cannot escape your mind as much as you would like to. For to loose your mind is to loose yourself, and if you lost your self nothing would matter then. Its the vicious cycle – where your thoughts torture you and to escape it you torture yourself.
Nobody told me, nobody told me that ambition was a curse, that a job would define you that your career means so much. People say a job is just a job – nobody tells you that if you have no job you will have no money hence you cannot feed yourself and hence you will die. Nobody told you that if you dont have a job you wont have any money and money is necessary. If you are a woman if you dont have money you cannot buy the pretty dress that will impress the man you like or the make up to make him look at you. Nobody told you that education means squat unless you can use it to find a job to pay your bills. Nobody told you that reassessing your priorities means sacrifices, nobody told you that the priorities you had will have to change based on your circumstances that what you thought you need when you cannot get that sucking up and taking what you got and being happy with it takes a sacrifice and a rather tough decision.
I promised myself I wouldn’t ever become one of those women. The ones who were not successful who hated themselves and couldnt go out because of it. When I look in the mirror i see that woman and I cannot run away from what is myself. To accept who I am means letting go of my dreams and ambition and i cannot find the way to do what is necessary to embrace that which is painful, that which means that I would rather be dead and removed from my thoughts and the person I have become than accept this and move on. I told myself that to let go of myself and become that person meant to give up and I was not a quitter and than I would fight till my dying day to become what I want to be. But to not quit means to live with myself everyday to remain hopeful of a better life that might apparently satisfy me. But I cannot find what it is – does it lie in religon and cigarettes? Or drinking, sex, men and relationships ??. I dont think that the 5 minutes of laughter and contentment will get me through the rest of my life. I dont understand what people need to achieve it. The world today makes so many expectations on us. Its about being gregarious and outgoing a peoples person if you must. You must sing you must dance you must network you must be on facebook and there is no place no time or space to be wasted on someone who is introverted and shy. WHo doesnt want to pretend to fit in and wants to find meaning.
I dont know what is left anymore – what is left for this world for the person who has nothing and no where to go. Where is hope when the clock is ticking when younger more better people are rising up all around you when your dreams and life itself is threatened from every corner existing. How do you escape and embrace reality and love it anyways and love yourself above all how do you love your self when you hate yourself? Ambition is a curse the one that makes you hate you and love anybody who has it in them to achieve that which you failed to gain.