The Day I got my Visa

It’s been a long struggle. Until now patience has been my best friend, ignorance my sanity.  I’ve waited and hoped for this day to come, to hear that the visa has come through and it’s here, today! Today as happy as I am, as joyous as it feels, it also feels surreal.  It feels like the joy belongs to someone else.  I’ve waited for so long but it doesn’t feel tangible somehow.

I’m trying to assess this, why do I not feel happy and victorious, like I’ve achieved something? I think it’s perhaps because it doesn’t change my situation  today, it changes it in the future. My life isn’t certain here in the Uk but it remains a possibility.  The job, a new job is a possibility  but I am faced with a more real and current fear, one where I’ve lost all my excuses.  There are no more reasons for failure. Today someone wrote to congratulate me,  he said you don’t have to worry about the future you’ll be earning £150,000 by then.  The truth however is no matter how capable you present yourself as, capable you may even be, to present that to a world is a whole different  story.

Your assessor  the person who assesses your qualities is perhaps the most poignant thing to consider. What is the one who values you worth? I want to be assessed  by a worthy assessor as being as good and that worth will come when I find that job where I find myself challenged to be a better me,  be able to work harder and contribute  more. The question  of whether I will achieve that job is to be answered.
So nothings changed my joy is shadowed by the present by the now. So when I get more phone calls and when the visa yields the results I hoped it will, then  I will be able to rejoice in receiving it.  For now I only have the anxiety that I was blaming the wrong person/thing, that it was me who was holding me back all this while and not the visa itself? Who will I blame now?
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